A Letter to My Boys

Dear Curtis and Evan,

Sometimes I try to remember my life before I became a mother. And I can't remember it. I can't remember what it was like not to have two amazing sons who bring light and purpose to my life. I can't remember what it felt like not to have you both constantly on my mind. I can't remember what it was like not to have you here with me. I can't remember what it was like not to know you, to see you, to hear your laughs and cries, to see you playing together. 

Becoming a mother has changed my life forever. And I would never go back to my life before you both made it brighter and better. 

But today I am really scared. You see, living in this world means there is risk of hurt, sickness, and even death. I'm afraid for you growing up in a world filled with bad things and bad people. I'm afraid for you. I am afraid that I won't be able to teach you everything you need to know. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to let you grow up...that I won't be able to let go. 

Every day bad things happen to good people. Often I don't feel strong enough to live with the risk. Sometimes it's too much to handle and I feel overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Too often my fear is greater than my faith. It's something I have to fight every day. The battle never ends. 

With great love comes great risk of heartache.

And I love you both more than I could ever say. 

So today I am praying for my boys. I'm praying that you will have happy, healthy, fulfilling lives. I'm praying that you will grow to be honorable men who fight against the evil that fills the world. I'm praying that you will make good decisions and that you will choose right over wrong. I'm praying that you will grow to be great friends. I'm praying that you will experience "forever love." I'm praying that you will someday experience the love that a parent feels for their children. I'm praying that you will feel peace in a world of war. 

And I'm praying that I will have the courage to be your mother. 

All My Love, Forever,

Mom

Pregnancy Update

I always heard that, after your first baby, subsequent pregnancies go by much quicker. While I wouldn't say it's gone by quicker--especially since I've basically been pregnant for a year and half--I will say that I don't find myself thinking constantly about being pregnant. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not always thinking about the arrival of this baby, or about how big he is, or about what I want the nursery to look like. I haven't posted hardly anything about it, I'm not working on any baby projects, I hardly read anything about babies besides the short weekly updates my phone sends me each Thursday morning when another week has passed. 

But, none of those things mean I am not overjoyed at the thought of welcoming another baby into our family. It's no secret that we've had a difficult time getting baby #2 here, and for that fact alone I am completely full of gratitude that we've made it this far...

27 Weeks and 3 Days... A little under 3 months left. 

This little boy is a miracle baby. I no longer take pregnancy or the ability to have children for granted. This past year I've spent many nights contemplating the possibility that my body might not actually be able to carry another baby to full term. It is not always easy. It is not always possible. And we are not always in control. So, rather than writing many posts on what stroller to buy, or how the nursery is coming together, or what blankets I'm sewing, the thoughts I really want to share are that I am extremely grateful, and feel blessed beyond words, that we are having another baby.  

I'm grateful for all the kicks, for the sleepless nights, and for my growing belly. I'm grateful for my little family of three...soon to be four.

Hang in there baby boy. We want you with us for a long, long time.

16 Weeks

20 Weeks

24 Weeks

Words I Cannot Speak

I have felt very blessed, lately, to have been led to specific blogs written by incredible women. They have comforted me, strengthened me, and helped me realize that I am not alone in this experience. I came upon this one today, and found a post that struck a cord very close to my heart. Her experience was almost exactly like mine. I wish I could write as beautifully and eloquently as this woman, and I am grateful for the words she shared; words that I have felt but can't seem to write. Thank you , Marta. 

If you are interested, you can read her post HERE 

Eight Months

Dear Curtis,

Again, it seems like it's only been a week since I was writing last month's entry. Time is going by much quicker these days. You are no longer my little baby boy; you are my big, smart, growing boy. We are so blessed, Curtis. We have everything we need and want. We have the gospel and a wonderful little family. Dad and I love you more than we ever imagined possible.

I had a very sweet experience this past month that I want to share with you. It was your bedtime and I was holding you and snuggling you before I laid you down to sleep. As I held you I was so overcome with love for you, and in that fleeting moment I was given a glimpse of the incredible love that our Heavenly Father has for you, and for me, and for all of His children. It was such a sweet moment that I will always remember.

This month you have grown so much!
-You know how to crawl! You have been making a lot of progress over the past few days. This is the sequence that usually happens. 1) You start on hands and knees 2) you take a few steps 3) you get tired or frustrated and fall on your tummy 4) you bury your face in your hands 5) you scoot your knees under you while your head is on the floor 6) you push back up to hands and knees 7) you start the cycle over again 8) when you get really tired or frustrated you just roll over.
-Your first official "steps" were on Sunday after Uncle Michael's homecoming. We were all so excited! Your aunts and uncles all gathered around and we just watched you for a long time.
-You met your Uncle Michael for the first time, and you said "see you later" to Auntie Rachel for 18 months.
-You love food. Yes, you are your daddy's boy. If there is food out, or if someone is eating, you are watching and wanting. You love when I mix up our "real" food for you.
-You are sleeping great again. Sometimes you wake up really early to eat, but then you go right back to sleep.
-You still don't have any teeth. I think they are coming soon, though, because you have been crankier than you have ever been.
-You have learned that you don't like it when you don't get everything you want. You are smart and you know when we take things away from you. You really don't like it when we do that. Maybe we need to give you a little brother or sister so you don't get too used to having all the attention. Well...maybe in a few more months.
-Lately you have been sleeping on your knees, like in the yoga child's pose. It is just about the cutest thing ever.
-You love your family and they love you! You love giving everyone great big smiles.

We love you Curtis! Happy eight month birthday!

-Mom

With Grandaddy Mark

I should be...

I should be planning my lesson for tomorrow...

Instead, I'm thinking about my sweet little boy and how incredible it is to be his mother. I really don't have the words to describe the joy I feel inside when I see him, hold him, kiss his squishy cheeks, grab his little hand, tickle his tummy, snuggle him while he sleeps, and see him grow and learn each day. There is absolutely nothing in this world I would rather do that hold my darling boy and see him look up into my eyes as he smiles. Parents always told me that you never really understand how much your own parents love you until you become a parent. I believe it. It's impossible to describe the deep love I have for Curtis. Even more incredible is that it keeps growing stronger every day.

Mike and I went to a movie with my family tonight. We left Curtis with Mike's parents. It's always hard for me to leave him for something other than work. We picked him up after the movie (I'm always so anxious and excited to see him after we've been apart). On the way home I reached back and he wrapped his tiny fingers around mine; the whole way home. Oh I love that boy, and I will always cherish those precious moments.

Thoughts

I am overwhelmed. It's only the 2nd day of classes but I feel so much anxiety and stress. I'm teaching a new class this semester; a fusion ballet/contemporary class. I'm doubting my ability to do it. I've been teaching ballet for the past 2 years, and I feel very stale in my contemporary movement abilities. For some reason I've never felt very good at creating new and original movement. It is very difficult for me. I just hope I'm able to do better as I get more used to it. It was only the first day today and I'm already feeling so insecure and inadequate. I'm not quite sure why they wanted me to teach the class. Maybe they made a mistake.

I'm also working a lot longer than last semester. MWF I teach only from 12-1:30pm, but TTh I teach from 12-5pm. I don't know how so many mothers out there can handle working full-time. I know most of those who do don't really have a choice, but I still don't know how they do it. If we didn't need extra income right now, since Mike is in school, I would be home full-time without a second thought. Being gone from Curtis for more than 5 hours a day is already extremely hard for me.

Last night as I was getting Curtis ready for bed I just snuggled him and told him I was sorry that I had to go to work. I don't want to have to go to work. I hate being away from him. I couldn't help but cry. We had a very sweet moment together. He was very calm and looked up at me straight in the eyes for a few minutes. He has a very mature spirit. He gently touched my face and just smile up at me. Almost as if saying, "it's okay mom, I love you, and I know it'll only be for a few months." I love that little boy so much more than I could ever describe. I look forward to the day when I will be able to stay home all day with him. 

I know I shouldn't wish time away, but April 20th is sounding really nice right about now....