I have 918 Facebook friends...but I don't have friends

First off, this is not a woe is me post. I am happy and life is good. It truly is. And for the record, I do have friends. I have some of the best friends in the world (if only they'd all come back to Utah already)!

The other night Mike and I were chatting about the cyber-world we live in, and what it will be like for our kids to grow up in a technology-obsessed world. We chatted first about the dangers (literally) of cell phones and wifi and how they haven't been around long enough for us to really know the affects they are having on our brains and bodies and on our childrens' brains and bodies (but I suppose that is another post for another day). After chatting about how cell phones are probably going to give everyone cancer we moved on to discuss how smart-phones are actually making people socially stupid. 

And now I'm going to be completely, brutally, revealingly honest...this is my life...

I wake up in the morning and the very first thing I do before anything else is check my phone. I check my email first, then Instagram, then Facebook. Usually in the middle of those three apps I see a posts by @bom365 on my insta-feed that reminds me to read my scriptures. Yay! Social media just reminded me to "read" my scriptures for 5 minutes before resuming my mindless Facebook scroll. I don't give myself time to think my own thoughts, or meditate on the day before me. I don't remember to pray, and I usually get irritated that my kids are awake already. I don't get out of bed to kiss my husband goodbye, and I don't make him breakfast or see him off at the door. 

But I connected with the world. I checked in with my friends. Oh and I'm be sure to post a picture of my life so everyone can see the exciting life I'm living.

After spending 10-15 minutes on my phone, all while my boys are playing on the floor next to me, I begrudgingly roll out of bed and start the day. I make the bed, help Curtis make his, change Evan's diaper, and we make our way downstairs for breakfast. I make Curtis oatmeal and smash a banana for Evan. I' pull out my phone and turn on LDS primary songs on YouTube. We listen and sing while having breakfast and we have a great time together. I do a load of laundry during breakfast time and make sure the kitchen is clean after the kids eat. After breakfast I turn on PBS kids for Curtis while Evan and I head upstairs to get ready for the day. 

Generally we don't have a set schedule. Our days involve me doing house work, updating the budget, organizing different rooms, etc. Evan naps around 10am and Mike gets home after 7pm. Around 12pm Mike and I will usually exchange a text or two, and I'll usually text or receive one from my mom some time during the day. We run errands, go to the bank, grocery shop, occasionally visit the library, visit my mom, and I teach dance on Tuesday and Thursday to a small class of 8-11 year olds. We watch more tv than we should I and don't venture outdoors very much these days. 

99.9% of our week is spent at home, inside, away from others. I often go 2-3 days without leaving the house, and I definitely go much longer than that without having anyone outside of our family in our home. All the while I have my phone in my pocket and I check Instagram and Facebook several times a day. I certainly wouldn't want to miss a call or a text from all the people that try to get in touch with me every day. Oh wait. Scratch that. 

I have 918 Facebook friends, but I don't have friends. And that is the truth.

Mike and I continued our chat about the "good old days" in high school when there wasn't Facebook, or Instagram, or smart phones. Heck, I didn't even have a cell phone until college. Mike and I called each other on the real phone to talk. We actually hung out with real people, did things together, and talked. Yes, talked! What was that like?!

I am tired of this life; tired of the false sense of social connection. How is it that I have 918 Facebook friends and yet I can go an entire week without one of those friends ever calling me, checking in on me, or wanting to spend time with me? How can I go an entire week without reaching out to my own friends in real interactive and tangible ways? Social media and smart phones make us feel connected, needed, and wanted. They make us feel like we have people who are interested in our lives. We share our lives with the world but still feel alone. We are losing the ability to really socialize. We "socialize" without ever leaving our homes, without making eye contact, and truthfully without really communicating at all.

Smart phones are making us socially stupid. And I've had enough. I don't want my kids growing up in this socially stupid, technology obsessed world. I don't want them seeing me on my phone all day. I don't want them to ever think that my phone life is a priority. I don't want them seeing their family and friends glued to a screen all the time. I don't want them to forego real relationships because social media gives them a false sense of interaction.

So, here's to a year filled with more real relationships, real conversation, and real living.

And my #1 goal for 2014 is to put down my phone and live. 

A Letter to My Boys

Dear Curtis and Evan,

Sometimes I try to remember my life before I became a mother. And I can't remember it. I can't remember what it was like not to have two amazing sons who bring light and purpose to my life. I can't remember what it felt like not to have you both constantly on my mind. I can't remember what it was like not to have you here with me. I can't remember what it was like not to know you, to see you, to hear your laughs and cries, to see you playing together. 

Becoming a mother has changed my life forever. And I would never go back to my life before you both made it brighter and better. 

But today I am really scared. You see, living in this world means there is risk of hurt, sickness, and even death. I'm afraid for you growing up in a world filled with bad things and bad people. I'm afraid for you. I am afraid that I won't be able to teach you everything you need to know. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to let you grow up...that I won't be able to let go. 

Every day bad things happen to good people. Often I don't feel strong enough to live with the risk. Sometimes it's too much to handle and I feel overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Too often my fear is greater than my faith. It's something I have to fight every day. The battle never ends. 

With great love comes great risk of heartache.

And I love you both more than I could ever say. 

So today I am praying for my boys. I'm praying that you will have happy, healthy, fulfilling lives. I'm praying that you will grow to be honorable men who fight against the evil that fills the world. I'm praying that you will make good decisions and that you will choose right over wrong. I'm praying that you will grow to be great friends. I'm praying that you will experience "forever love." I'm praying that you will someday experience the love that a parent feels for their children. I'm praying that you will feel peace in a world of war. 

And I'm praying that I will have the courage to be your mother. 

All My Love, Forever,

Mom

Love on a Wednesday

I wrote a lengthy post about same-sex marriage yesterday. Some of you probably read it. I shared it as a way to be "brave." For some reason I feel compelled to take it off the blog today. I feel better having expressed my thoughts into words, but sometimes I think some things are better kept to oneself.  I feel that the post was not hateful in any way, and in this case, I'm glad I have written what I believe down, and I may re-post it eventually. But for now I  feel that it's not the time for me to share all of my thoughts on such a sensitive topic. 

Today Utah announced that they will no longer recognize same-sex marriages performed in the state. Initially I was relieved about this, as the majority of the state, and the country, do not support same-sex marriage. But, after reading so many hateful comments by people on both sides of the debate, all I feel is sick to my stomach and sad that there is so much hate and anger in the world. And truthfully, regardless of my personal beliefs about homosexuality, and regardless of the fact that I support the traditional institution of marriage, I am truly sorry for my friends whose marriages are no longer recognized in Utah. My heart aches for them and the hopelessness they must feel. I think of all those people who waited hours and hours (after years and years) to get married to the person they want to spend their life with. And after I imagined that I felt extremely sad for them. Sad that life is so unfair. Sad that life is so complicated. Sad that they feel hopelessness. Sometimes I wish life were simpler; easier to understand and comprehend. And even if I don't understand how all of those people feel, and even if I can't relate to their life experiences, one thing I can do is show them love. I am truly sorry for the heartache those people feel today. And I'm sorry for all the hate in the world.   

So for today and days to come I hope this blog will be a place to share love, compassion, joy, and hope.  

Because that is why we are here...to love one another.  

Three Days

I am sitting in our first home, listening to the hammering, nailing, and sawing of wood floors going in downstairs. It's currently 12:19am and I hope we don't wake up the whole neighborhood. But, we can't stop until it's finished. About two weeks ago we found out that baby boy needs to make his debut 3 weeks early due to ICP (cholestasis). I don't have a very severe case of it, and, in fact, I think I barely have it at all, but there is a much higher risk of having a still born baby after 37 weeks. So, he will be joining us this Thursday, May 9th. Three days until life changes forever, again.

Bye-bye three weeks of preparation and time to get settled. Instead, we had basically 10 days to get everything ready to move in. Painting, cleaning, putting in floors, moving in, etc. We moved everything in this weekend and we'll definitely be able to live here. But it's definitely not going to be to the point where I wanted to be as far as having things organized. When Curtis came I had everything ready at least a month in advance. Everything in our home was spotless and organized.

I'll be luck if we make it to the grocery store before Thursday, let alone make freezer meals. Heck, we may not even have any couches to sit on. But, life will go on.

The house is feeling so much more like home. I'll take some good "after" photos as soon as we get things put together a bit more. I'm really excited to be here. We have great neighbors and an awesome LDS ward. There are two separate nurseries because there are so many little kids Curtis' age. He's already made some great friends...as have we. I feel confident that this is where we need to be right now, and I'm grateful that things worked out the way they did. The timing couldn't have been better (even with baby coming early).

I'm so excited to see Curtis with his baby brother. He's going to be such a wonderful friend and example to this boy. I can't wait to see them grow up together and become great friends.

And those are my thoughts in the middle of the night.

Oh, and if anyone is getting rid of couches, a twin bed, a TV, or TV stand....we'll gladly take them off your hands!

The Truth

Being a mom is hard. 

There's nothing more rewarding,

 frustrating, 

amazing, 

difficult, 

enjoyable, 

or more emotionally trying.

I was not a very good mom today.

I pray for forgiveness and that I can do a better job tomorrow.

I always imagined what life would be like once I was a mom, 

and the honest truth is that I imagined myself doing a much better job.
I imagined less tv time, no stupid iphones or facebook to distract me from my child,
more interaction with friends, more creativity, more activities,
more patience, and less frustration.
I have a lot of improving to do. 

Lately I've been contemplating my life's path.

I've thought a lot about my career,

and how I fell far short of my potential as a dancer.

I've thought a lot about my education,

and how I coulda-shoulda gone for my masters. 

In the world's eyes I haven't really amounted to much of anything. 

I never joined the professional dance companies I dreamed of.

I don't have a master's degree.

I don't choreograph amazing works or contribute much to the world of dance.

I've given almost all of that up. 

I became a mother. 

And although I often wonder how different my life would have been 

if I'd waited until the "perfect" time to have children, 

I'll never, ever, regret becoming a mother. 

There is no perfect time to have children.

People are always waiting until they're "ready."

Until they're done with school,

or reached a certain age. 

But the truth is that you could live a lifetime and never truly be ready. 

There will always be something else you could do instead,

there will always be more money to be earned,

somewhere to visit, 

something to finish. 

There will always be something else to accomplish first. 

Becoming a parent is a giant leap of faith. 

It is scary, 

amazing, 

nerve-wracking, 

fulfilling, 

and the best decision of my life. 

So even though I'm thinking of all the coulda-woulda-shouldas tonight, 

I wouldn't change my decision for anything. 

And even though I wasn't a very good mom today,

tomorrow is another day to show this boy how much I love him. 

And the truth is,
 I love him more than I could ever say.

Tell me this gets easier

The terrible twos are in full force over here, and I'm not sure I'm going to make it through them. 

Someday I'm sure I'll look back at these times with some humor and a bit of sentimental longing, 

but that day is NOT today. 

I love Curtis more than life itself, and I can't imagine not having him,

but he is testing me more than I ever imagined I could possibly be tested.

(and life hasn't exactly been easy lately)

I try to tell myself I'm doing the right things. 

I try to be consistent. 

I try to set boundaries. 

I try to discipline immediately and rationally. 

I try to give him choices. 

I try to be patient. 

But most of the time I pretty much fail as a mother.

It doesn't matter if I respond firmly, gently,
or if I ignore his screaming fits.
It doesn't matter if I take him to time out and talk to him.
No matter what I do, or how I respond, it honestly makes no difference.

 If this boy doesn't stop crying, screaming, and whining 

ALL DAY LONG 

I think I'm quite literally going to lose it. 

Someone please tell me there is light at the end of this tunnel,

cause I'm not seeing it.

Update

This past week was the longest week of my life. I have so much I'd like to write about, but Curtis is finally asleep, and I don't want to spend all of my alone time blogging.  

We have officially moved out of our apartment. Leaving our apartment was so hard for me. We had so many wonderful memories there, and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it. I'm really going to miss it there. I shed many tears during the few days of moving. It was our first "real" home. It was Curtis' first home. And we worked so hard to make it home. As hard as it was to leave, if I constantly remind myself that bigger and better things are on the horizon I feel a little better. Not much better, but a little. 

Now we are settled in with my parents. It still just feels like we'll go home any day. Things are working out so far. We have two bedrooms and a bathroom all to ourselves, with laundry just down the hall. We really couldn't ask for anything more. We've made them feel like home the best we can. I haven't had to cook a meal all week, so honestly I should really be shouting for joy!

Curtis is giving us a run for our money. Right before our beach trip he learned, again, how to escape from the crib. That was basically the beginning of the end of our perfect sleeper boy. From the time Curtis was 10 weeks old he was sleeping 10-12 hours a night, and taking a 2-3 hour nap each day. All of a sudden that has completely changed. He wakes up at least 2 times a night and comes into our room every night. One night during our beach trip I let him sleep with us (for the first time ever) because he was having night terrors. Worst idea ever. He now tries to get in bed with us every single night. Naps have become the biggest struggle ever, and I'm having a really hard time. His nap time was the only "alone" time I'd have all day, and I guess I just took them for granted because now they are gone. 

I'm hoping someone will tell me this is a 2-year old phase and that soon he'll go back to taking his naps....

I started teaching at BYU again. It was a very last minute opportunity, but it was definitely an answer to prayers. I love being back there, and I have a great group of students this semester. However it has been really hard for me to adjust to teaching every day after being a stay-at-home mom for the past year. I'm grateful to get out of the house each day, but my classes are at the worst possible time ever because they are  right during Curtis' nap time (2-4pm). So, even when he does take a nap, I am working and therefore have ZERO alone time during the day. Needless to say this has been one of the longest, hardest, weeks of my life. I'm trying hard to fight the anxiety and dread that I feel each day when I wake up. I was so looking forward to this time when Mike was home after work at 5 and we'd have each evening to spend as a family. But when he gets home I'm just so done with my day, and so tired, that I don't feel like doing anything. Moms who work full-time, I don't know how you do it! 

On top of everything we just had miscarriage #3. I debated writing about it, but hey, after writing about 2 others, what's one more? I was only 5 weeks along, and we had only told a couple of people we were pregnant, so it wasn't nearly as difficult as the last one at 16 weeks, but I am completely drained in every way. I'm trying my best to find hope and to have faith that things will work out, but I'll tell you what, most of the time all I feel is emptiness. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I just feel empty, and so very tired. After 3 miscarriages you have "repeat miscarriages" on your record, which means you're able to get testing done. However, I had the blood work done last week and everything came back normal. No answers. So frustrating. We will try progesterone when we conceive next time, but other than that there's not really anything to do about it. The hardest part of all of this not having control. It is so hard to know that this is completely out of my hands. 

Please, friends, keep us in your prayers. And please, if you have any advice as to how to get a 2-year old to take naps and stay in his bed all night, let me know. I'm desperate. 

We're Back

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

We got home last night at 3am,

which was really 5am to our bodies.
It's always bittersweet to return from vacation.
I'm ready to be home, but not ready for "real" life to start.

We had a wonderful trip to North Carolina.
The beach was beautiful,
Curtis did well,
and it was great to be with family.

Time to unpack suitcases, grocery shop, do laundry

and . . . 

START PACKING!  

Moving day is coming up quickly.


On a slightly different note:
Mike is officially graduated
and I couldn't be more excited!
I'm so proud of how hard he has worked these last few years.
Definitely looking forward to having more time together!

Anticipation

I am always a happy gal when I have things to look forward to. 

I definitely try to find joy and stay optimistic during the normal day-to-day, 

but sometimes life gets so monotonous. 

I love having things to anticipate, prepare for, and get excited about. 

The last couple weeks, and the upcoming month are filled with exciting events!  

Curtis' birthday

My birthday

Sarah and Phil's wedding

Mike's official graduation

North Carolina beach vacation

Braden leaves for his mission (this one's bittersweet) 

Moving 

Start teaching dance again

Hopefully seeing a + on a "you know what"

Paying off all our student loans

Saving, saving, saving

Buying our first house

Life is good. 

 Photo Credit - Rachel Kitto - Bald Head Island 2005

What America Really Needs

Source

With all of the controversy going on about the Affordable Care Act, I have been thinking a lot about what our country actually needs when it comes to health care. Health care reform will never be successful when it originates in Washington, but it can be successful when it happens inside the walls of our own homes. Until Americans are willing to make permanent changes in their individual lives and families, nothing about our nation's health is actually going to change (well, except that we'll all continue to get sicker). Taking care of our health (health care) involves a heck of a lot more than money, doctors, hospitals, medical insurance, and pharmaceutical companies. Of course our medical system does a lot of good, and helps many people. There are definitely illnesses and diseases that are out of our control, and we are lucky to have the advancements in  technology and medicine available to us today. I'm not naive enough to believe that every illness will be improved by better diet and lifestyle choices. My point is that the focus of our nation's health care system should be on preventing illnesses or diseases, rather than treating "symptoms." True health care will require individual action; it is an effort that we as individuals, not the government, have control over. 

I came upon this post today, written by Dr. Fuhrman, on the blog Disease Proof. 

The article, and the following quote, sum up my thoughts exactly:

"Regardless of whether we are required to purchase medical insurance, know that we can only buy real health insurance in the produce section of the local supermarket."

Amen!

Time to Dance Again

While searching for exercise programs, strength training routines, 
diet plans, and working towards "fitness,"

I am realizing that what I really want is to SIMPLIFY! 

In a world saturated with all things physical, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and anxious to fit the "ideal woman" description. I think a lot of women feel this way, especially mothers. If we don't regularly run 5 miles, do pilates, yoga, P90X, weights, half-marathons, Zumba, etc, then we can't possibly be in shape or be healthy. I want to be healthy and active, and I certainly want to feel good about my body, but there's definitely a limit. I don't care if I have a six-pack, I definitely don't care about being tan, and I don't believe living an active lifestyle means I have to spend 2 hours a day at the gym. 

Is anyone else completely overwhelmed by 

the saturation of all things "fitness" in our world?

With that being said, I have been feeling a serious void in my life, 

and I'm almost 100% sure about how to fill it . . . 

Our current Netflix instant queue

I  mentioned  in one of my last posts that lately I have so much to say about food. My desire to learn and  implement permanent changes in the way we eat still occupies many most of my daily thoughts. As silly as it sounds, I have felt like this health journey is going to be one of the most fulfilling and worthwhile endeavors I will have, and I think it is going to be a very significant part of my life (and my family's of course).

If you haven't seen these, watch them. 

All of them.

Each time I find (or re-watch/read) a book, film, or blog that is based on a whole, natural, 95% plant based diet, it's like a heavenly witness that God truly is all-knowing, and all-loving. He has blessed His children with incredible physical bodies that have amazing capabilities. And He has also blessed us with all the substances our bodies need to be healthy. The more I learn, the more convinced I am that we can live long, vibrant, healthy, disease-free, lives. 

We all think we need to have nutritionists and doctors tell us what to eat. 

I just cannot believe healthy eating is that complicated. 

But it actually is, for most of us, because society, our government, and our individual family traditions have engraved in us certain beliefs. And questioning those beliefs is really uncomfortable for a lot of us. Most of the time we say. . . 

oh that sounds good, but that's not for me

my doctor said ______ is good for me

that film is biased

you only live once, why not enjoy it

that's too hard, I could never eat that way 

I've eaten ______ my whole life, I'm not giving it up now

my ________ ate _______ and lived till they were 90

You get the picture. 

Why are we so defensive? 

Shouldn't we jump on the chance to be healthier?

Don't we want to live longer, disease-free lives? 

But the idea of change most always makes us immediately defensive of our ways. 

Change is hard, isn't it?  When we've all grown up accustomed to a certain way of eating, it's really hard to change. Old habits die hard. This journey is overwhelming at times. I feel like I don't know very much. But, at the same time, I think we all already know a lot more than we think we do, because eating whole, natural plant-foods JUST. MAKES. SENSE.

So, as each day passes and I learn a little more about why I'm trying so hard to eat better, I'm willing to be patient, and to do what it takes to make these changes permanent. This is a learning process, and not an item to check off on my "to-do" list. 

We only get one body, and one life. 

I, for one, want to make them count.

The Terrible Twos

It seems as if Curtis has decided to flip on the "terrible two" switch this week. 

I don't know why he's decided to suddenly start 

screaming, 

whining, 

hitting, 

throwing, 

and blatantly disobeying. 

Heaven help me.

Patience is not my strongest virtue. 

I love him more than I could ever say, 

but this is really hard. 

Reminiscing

This past weekend has been filled 

with some significant life events for several of my siblings . . .

There's been a lot of celebrating at our house lately!

Mark turned 16!

Eliza and Hannah graduated high school!

Braden's mission papers are in!

AND

Sarah got engaged! 

(seriously this all happened in the same week!!!)

Man, it feels like just yesterday that we all looked like this. . .

(keep reading)

The Best Way to Store Greens

The person who designed refrigerators to have a freezer on the top and the veggie and fruit drawers all the way on the bottom probably didn't eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. They probably at a lot of frozen TV dinners and ice cream. Otherwise they wouldn't have put the most important things on the very bottom of the fridge, hidden from view!

Luckily, newer models have the freezers on the bottom and the crisper drawers within easy reach. 
This is probably the thing I'm most looking forward to getting when we buy a home someday!

22 Months

My baby is 22 months, and I can hardly believe it. We spent the day together, jogging up the canyon, going on a bike ride, and then watching Sesame Street after he woke up with a high fever. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes I am grateful when he has sick days because it means he will snuggle and let me hold him. He fell asleep on my lap TWO different times. It was heaven.

He's feeling much better today, and back to his active, no snugglie self. But that's okay! He's currently in the other room having some TV time and laughing at Elmo. He loooooves Elmo. Ah I love my boy!

Curtis is learning so much! He is picking up on so many words and is able to communicate much better than at 18 months.  (I have a video that I'll post as soon as I can get it from Mike's phone)

The other day we were looking through his baby pictures and videos and it was so hard for me to believe that he was actually that little! And Curtis kept saying noooo when I'd point to his pictures and say, "that's you!" The older he gets and the more personality he develops, the less I can remember what he was like as a baby. It's just hard to remember him before his sweet words, generous kisses, silly faces, and constant running. I suppose that's why I'm aching for a new baby; because I'm starting to forget what they're like. 

Last night I went into Curtis' room after he was asleep to put some laundry away, and it woke him up since he wasn't feeling well. As I went to have him lie down again he sat up, puckered his lips and said mmmm, gave me a kiss, and then went back to sleep. He really is the sweetest boy. It's hard for me not to get emotional when I think about how fast these last 2 years have gone, and how I fast I know the next 16 years will go. I'm going to miss these days. Life is too short, isn't it? Well, childhood is too short.

Happy 22 months, Curtis. I'll love you forever.

Tuesday Thoughts

I'm feeling a little sad today. To be honest, the miscarriage hardly even enters my thoughts anymore. I am staying busy and active, but there are still days when that sadness returns. It's that time again when many of my friends who are expecting are finding out the gender of their babies (most due in the fall), and my heart always feels a little sad when another announcement of another baby is made (and boy do I know a lot of pregnant women right now). I'm not jealous, just sad that I'm not experiencing pregnancy with them, and sad that I'm not preparing for another baby to come into our family. (But, I am glad that I don't have to go through the hot summer! :) 

This weekend was really, really great. Mike was home most of the weekend (although he had to prepare a talk for Sunday--which went really well). Mother's Day was wonderful. Mike and Curtis made me breakfast in bed and we had a great day with both sides of our family. The weather was perfect, and I don't think anything could have been better. I'm so blessed to be a mother! I know everyone says it, but I honestly wouldn't trade this life for anything. Curtis is the best thing that has happened to Mike and me! Our marriage is better because of him. Life is better because of him!

It's a No-Win

I've decided that pretty much everything is linked to cancer or some sort of serious disease. 

Seriously, EVERYTHING.

The more I try to make healthier decisions, the more overwhelmed I become.

I find yet another study, finding, or medical journal about something else I should be worried about.

It's exhausting and really discouraging. 

Dear Diary

Life is looking up. I find myself feeling more and more hopeful and excited about the future. I feel like I'm slowly forgetting what happened just a few short weeks ago. I know I'll never really forget it, but I'm not thinking about it every minute of every day anymore. This is definitely a blessing. I'm in love with the sunshine we've been having. It's hard to feel gloomy when it's so beautiful. 

Source

At certain moments I feel twinges of sadness, even anger, about the miscarriage. I feel that everyone around me  is pregnant and having babies. I feel like everyone has forgotten, which is probably true as I sometimes forget. I feel really sad that Curtis will be nearly 3 by the time he has a little playmate (which means he'll really be 4 by the time he actually has someone to "play" with). I know 3 years isn't incredibly long, but it is when there are no other siblings or cousins to play with. I was only 18 months older than my closest brother, and I loved it. It's hard for me to accept that Curtis' next sibling won't be as close in age. They won't be in junior high or high school together. And our goal of having children every "even" year isn't going to happen now. It's hard to accept that our "plans" aren't going the way we thought they would. 

Words I Cannot Speak

I have felt very blessed, lately, to have been led to specific blogs written by incredible women. They have comforted me, strengthened me, and helped me realize that I am not alone in this experience. I came upon this one today, and found a post that struck a cord very close to my heart. Her experience was almost exactly like mine. I wish I could write as beautifully and eloquently as this woman, and I am grateful for the words she shared; words that I have felt but can't seem to write. Thank you , Marta. 

If you are interested, you can read her post HERE