The Truth

Being a mom is hard. 

There's nothing more rewarding,

 frustrating, 

amazing, 

difficult, 

enjoyable, 

or more emotionally trying.

I was not a very good mom today.

I pray for forgiveness and that I can do a better job tomorrow.

I always imagined what life would be like once I was a mom, 

and the honest truth is that I imagined myself doing a much better job.
I imagined less tv time, no stupid iphones or facebook to distract me from my child,
more interaction with friends, more creativity, more activities,
more patience, and less frustration.
I have a lot of improving to do. 

Lately I've been contemplating my life's path.

I've thought a lot about my career,

and how I fell far short of my potential as a dancer.

I've thought a lot about my education,

and how I coulda-shoulda gone for my masters. 

In the world's eyes I haven't really amounted to much of anything. 

I never joined the professional dance companies I dreamed of.

I don't have a master's degree.

I don't choreograph amazing works or contribute much to the world of dance.

I've given almost all of that up. 

I became a mother. 

And although I often wonder how different my life would have been 

if I'd waited until the "perfect" time to have children, 

I'll never, ever, regret becoming a mother. 

There is no perfect time to have children.

People are always waiting until they're "ready."

Until they're done with school,

or reached a certain age. 

But the truth is that you could live a lifetime and never truly be ready. 

There will always be something else you could do instead,

there will always be more money to be earned,

somewhere to visit, 

something to finish. 

There will always be something else to accomplish first. 

Becoming a parent is a giant leap of faith. 

It is scary, 

amazing, 

nerve-wracking, 

fulfilling, 

and the best decision of my life. 

So even though I'm thinking of all the coulda-woulda-shouldas tonight, 

I wouldn't change my decision for anything. 

And even though I wasn't a very good mom today,

tomorrow is another day to show this boy how much I love him. 

And the truth is,
 I love him more than I could ever say.