September 12, 2012

I just wanted to remember that today was the day our little one was due. 

Thankfully I had a very good day, with only a few momentary twinges of sadness. 

Our little Angel, 

Due September 12, 2012

I wish I could have gotten a picture from the final 16 week ultrasound, he/she was perfect. 

Update

This past week was the longest week of my life. I have so much I'd like to write about, but Curtis is finally asleep, and I don't want to spend all of my alone time blogging.  

We have officially moved out of our apartment. Leaving our apartment was so hard for me. We had so many wonderful memories there, and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it. I'm really going to miss it there. I shed many tears during the few days of moving. It was our first "real" home. It was Curtis' first home. And we worked so hard to make it home. As hard as it was to leave, if I constantly remind myself that bigger and better things are on the horizon I feel a little better. Not much better, but a little. 

Now we are settled in with my parents. It still just feels like we'll go home any day. Things are working out so far. We have two bedrooms and a bathroom all to ourselves, with laundry just down the hall. We really couldn't ask for anything more. We've made them feel like home the best we can. I haven't had to cook a meal all week, so honestly I should really be shouting for joy!

Curtis is giving us a run for our money. Right before our beach trip he learned, again, how to escape from the crib. That was basically the beginning of the end of our perfect sleeper boy. From the time Curtis was 10 weeks old he was sleeping 10-12 hours a night, and taking a 2-3 hour nap each day. All of a sudden that has completely changed. He wakes up at least 2 times a night and comes into our room every night. One night during our beach trip I let him sleep with us (for the first time ever) because he was having night terrors. Worst idea ever. He now tries to get in bed with us every single night. Naps have become the biggest struggle ever, and I'm having a really hard time. His nap time was the only "alone" time I'd have all day, and I guess I just took them for granted because now they are gone. 

I'm hoping someone will tell me this is a 2-year old phase and that soon he'll go back to taking his naps....

I started teaching at BYU again. It was a very last minute opportunity, but it was definitely an answer to prayers. I love being back there, and I have a great group of students this semester. However it has been really hard for me to adjust to teaching every day after being a stay-at-home mom for the past year. I'm grateful to get out of the house each day, but my classes are at the worst possible time ever because they are  right during Curtis' nap time (2-4pm). So, even when he does take a nap, I am working and therefore have ZERO alone time during the day. Needless to say this has been one of the longest, hardest, weeks of my life. I'm trying hard to fight the anxiety and dread that I feel each day when I wake up. I was so looking forward to this time when Mike was home after work at 5 and we'd have each evening to spend as a family. But when he gets home I'm just so done with my day, and so tired, that I don't feel like doing anything. Moms who work full-time, I don't know how you do it! 

On top of everything we just had miscarriage #3. I debated writing about it, but hey, after writing about 2 others, what's one more? I was only 5 weeks along, and we had only told a couple of people we were pregnant, so it wasn't nearly as difficult as the last one at 16 weeks, but I am completely drained in every way. I'm trying my best to find hope and to have faith that things will work out, but I'll tell you what, most of the time all I feel is emptiness. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I just feel empty, and so very tired. After 3 miscarriages you have "repeat miscarriages" on your record, which means you're able to get testing done. However, I had the blood work done last week and everything came back normal. No answers. So frustrating. We will try progesterone when we conceive next time, but other than that there's not really anything to do about it. The hardest part of all of this not having control. It is so hard to know that this is completely out of my hands. 

Please, friends, keep us in your prayers. And please, if you have any advice as to how to get a 2-year old to take naps and stay in his bed all night, let me know. I'm desperate. 

Some News

I had my 2 week post-op check-up today. I was hoping that we would learn some specifics about what happened to cause the miscarriage. The only news I got was that they weren't able to find any abnormalities and that all of the fetal tissue tested normal. They were also unable to determine the baby's gender (which was actually good news because knowing the gender would have made it harder).

In some ways I was comforted by this news. I am grateful that (most likely) we would have had a normal healthy baby, and I'm grateful that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. This comforts me for future pregnancies, and comforts me to know everything was going well. However, it was also hard for me to hear because it makes me question the event even more. He said it was most likely just an accident (a chord accident, or some other accident). This makes me sick to my stomach thinking that I could have prevented it. I took ballet classes during the pregnancy and I didn't feel a need to modify anything. I just can't stop wondering if my jumping and dancing had anything to do with it. I suppose it's possible that it could have caused it, even though I did the same thing while pregnant with Curtis. But I have to remind myself that an accident is an accident. 

Words I Cannot Speak

I have felt very blessed, lately, to have been led to specific blogs written by incredible women. They have comforted me, strengthened me, and helped me realize that I am not alone in this experience. I came upon this one today, and found a post that struck a cord very close to my heart. Her experience was almost exactly like mine. I wish I could write as beautifully and eloquently as this woman, and I am grateful for the words she shared; words that I have felt but can't seem to write. Thank you , Marta. 

If you are interested, you can read her post HERE 

March 28, 2012

March 28th was a difficult day. It started out great. I had a good morning, it was a beautiful day, and I got Curtis all ready and dropped him off at my mom's. My 16 week check-up was at 11am. I got there on-time after calling ahead to make sure they were on-time. Unfortunately, as had happened at almost every previous appointment, they were nearly an hour behind. So I waited, not patiently, for my appointment. For some reason my phone always freezes up inside the building. I was able to talk to Mike for a minute (on his lunch break) before I went back for my check-up. But after I talked to him my phone was pretty much out-of-commission.

Finally they called my name, I went back, did the weight and blood pressure check, talked to the nurse about the AFP test, and then went to wait for the midwife. Luckily I didn't have to wait long. The midwife came in, we talked about the pros and cons of the AFP test, we talked about natural birth (which I really wanted to do), and then I got up on the table to hear the heart beat.

Today

Today, April 6th 2012, was the due date of my first lost pregnancy.  

This one doesn't sting as much as I imagine September 12th will. 

And, as is typical in Utah, it snowed after several beautiful sunny days.

I suppose it would be appropriate for it to be a little gloomy today.

I'm looking forward to the upcoming Easter weekend,

to ponder on the Atonement and Resurrection of our Savior. 

This year it has a whole new meaning to me. 

And I'm even more grateful for Him.

No Words

There really are no words to accurately express the emotions I'm feeling right now. 

Feelings are so hard to explain.

Today I put away the picture of our little baby.
I cried as I put it in my journal.
There are so many questions.
So many emotions...