March 28, 2012

March 28th was a difficult day. It started out great. I had a good morning, it was a beautiful day, and I got Curtis all ready and dropped him off at my mom's. My 16 week check-up was at 11am. I got there on-time after calling ahead to make sure they were on-time. Unfortunately, as had happened at almost every previous appointment, they were nearly an hour behind. So I waited, not patiently, for my appointment. For some reason my phone always freezes up inside the building. I was able to talk to Mike for a minute (on his lunch break) before I went back for my check-up. But after I talked to him my phone was pretty much out-of-commission.

Finally they called my name, I went back, did the weight and blood pressure check, talked to the nurse about the AFP test, and then went to wait for the midwife. Luckily I didn't have to wait long. The midwife came in, we talked about the pros and cons of the AFP test, we talked about natural birth (which I really wanted to do), and then I got up on the table to hear the heart beat.

Nothing. No heartbeat. Just empty static. 

She left to bring in an ultrasound machine. I waited, I prayed, I tried to text Mike and luckily got in only one "they couldn't find the heartbeat. pray for me" text. 

She came back in, checked on the ultrasound. I saw it too. No movement, no heartbeat, just a very still, tiny baby. I was still holding in the tears, and I held them in until she went to grab the OB. Once he came in I lost it. He was very sweet (I felt like he was my grandpa) and he was very sensitive and helpful. He was more experienced in ultrasound, so he checked again. He measured the baby, asked me how far along I was, and confirmed that the baby didn't measure 16 weeks; that it measured only 13 weeks. Wow, there's just no way you can prepare for such a moment. I was so unprepared and unsuspecting. 

The doctor gave me the options of 1) having a d&c or 2) giving birth in the hospital. We opted for the d&c since the baby was small enough and since it would have taken a lot longer to induce and deliver the baby in the hospital (and there would still be a high chance I would need a d&c to finish the process). He then asked if I was LDS, I said yes, and he gave me some great words of comfort. Again, I felt like I had known him for a long time, and I was very grateful for such a supportive doctor. He was the one who would perform the d&c the next day. 

So, I made it out of the clinic, got in the car, finally got my phone to work, and called Mike. I definitely lost it on the phone talking to him. He was able to get off work (I love his job) and come home to offer support. I called my mom and went to pick up Curtis. 

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We had so much love and support from family and friends, and I am so grateful for so many wonderful people in my life. 

The next day we prepped for the d&c. My mom came and picked up Curtis, and we expected to be finished in just a couple hours. We got to the hospital at 11am. I was prepped for surgery. IV, fun robe, etc. We waited till about 12:30 until the doctor and anesthesiologist were there. The doctor came in and talked to us for a few minutes before the surgery. We were able to ask him many questions. Then they started the meds. I remember being wheeled into the OR and then briefly talking to the nurse about progesterone...

Then I woke up in another room. I felt fine, just tired. The pain was definitely minimal (for which I was grateful). They wheeled me into a recovery room where Mike was waiting for me (and come to think of it I don't remember that part). I was able to have a few snacks, finally. I was so hungry after not eating since the night before. After a while I was able to get up and use the restroom before we were able to go home.This is where it got interesting.

Turns out I lost about 1/3 of my blood. That is a lot of blood. In the restroom I ended up vomiting everything I just ate, and then I got really dizzy. I told Mike to call the nurse, and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up on the bathroom floor to Mike telling me to "breathe!" He looked terrified. They got me back in bed and I had something to drink. We waited for a while to get a definite answer as to what was next. The doctor decided that I needed a blood transfusion before leaving the hospital. We would have to stay several more hours (possibly overnight). 

So, they transferred me to a more permanent room and we started working out babysitters for the next several hours. I pretty much just laid in the bed, hooked to an IV, for the rest of the night. At about 8:30 they started the first transfusion bag. Yes, a bag of blood. It was really weird. They did 2 bags and each one took about 2 hours. We decided to leave after it was finished, rather than stay the night in the hospital. 

So here I am. Recovery wasn't bad. I just had to lie down for a couple days (mostly because I was exhausted). I took one pain pill the first day, and that was it. We had so much help from our family. Mike needed to go back to work the next day, and both of our moms helped out so much. 

I already wrote about what I've been feeling, but I'll expound just a little more. For the first few days I didn't really feel anything. Even in the hospital I didn't cry. I just felt emotionally clogged. I don't think I cried much for several days. Finally, a couple nights ago, I had a good long cry/prayer. It felt really good to release so many emotions that were just stuck inside. 

I'm doing better now. I've been able to feel pretty normal. I'm excited to get in shape for our family beach trip. Now I don't have an excuse :). I think the hardest, worst feeling, right now is fear. I am scared to try again. I'm scared of going through this again. So all I can do now is just pray for comfort, and pray that next time will be the right time. And you'd better believe I've been kissing and snuggling my little Curtis a lot more lately. I am so grateful to have him in my life. Children are such a blessing, and I definitely realize that even more now. I am also so grateful for my husband. This experience has brought us closer together, and I'm grateful for that.