I had my 2 week post-op check-up today. I was hoping that we would learn some specifics about what happened to cause the miscarriage. The only news I got was that they weren't able to find any abnormalities and that all of the fetal tissue tested normal. They were also unable to determine the baby's gender (which was actually good news because knowing the gender would have made it harder).
In some ways I was comforted by this news. I am grateful that (most likely) we would have had a normal healthy baby, and I'm grateful that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. This comforts me for future pregnancies, and comforts me to know everything was going well. However, it was also hard for me to hear because it makes me question the event even more. He said it was most likely just an accident (a chord accident, or some other accident). This makes me sick to my stomach thinking that I could have prevented it. I took ballet classes during the pregnancy and I didn't feel a need to modify anything. I just can't stop wondering if my jumping and dancing had anything to do with it. I suppose it's possible that it could have caused it, even though I did the same thing while pregnant with Curtis. But I have to remind myself that an accident is an accident.
Obviously with a d&c procedure it is not as easy to determine much about the baby or the miscarriage. It's possible that there were other factors that we'll never know about.
But, overall I'm still feeling more peace about my body's ability to get pregnant again and carry a baby to full-term. I feel more peace about the miscarriage and about future pregnancies. I believe it was meant to be, for a greater unknown reason, even though it's almost harder to accept that we lost a healthy baby. I really do believe, especially because of the "normal" results, that this was an accident, and that I had no control over it.
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
I love you, Rachel. Searching for 'why's can be a difficult thing. I'm grateful for your beautiful faith. It makes me feel more grateful and in awe for the times when everything does work out and a beautiful little baby Curtis is born. (: I hope you're healing well.
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel. I know we have not been "real life friends" for a while but I do like to peek in on your blog and see how your little family is doing. My heart goes out to you and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. The hardest part of trials is always the why. I'm glad you are finding peace. For what it's worth, I think you are right. An accident is an accident, have faith in your body. :)
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