It's 2018

I haven't looked at our blog in ages; probably years. Instagram has taken over the blogosphere...it's easier and simpler to just post a pic and a description and move on to the next event. However, as I've been browsing and reading posts from the past I'm reminded of why I loved blogging. I'm so grateful I recorded all of those thoughts, feelings and events all of those years. It's now 2018, and I don't remember the person I was in 2014. I don't remember being that woman. I don't remember writing all of those words. I don't remember having so many emotions and thoughts and feelings.

It's 2018 and I don't know who I am anymore. Do I still have thoughts like I used to? Do I still feel joy like I used to? Do I still feel like my life has a purpose? Am I passionate about anything anymore? Do I still love being a mother? (Also, how do I edit my blog? I don't remember how to change the photo on the main page....hmmmm.)

Life is so much different than it was in my last post about Evan turning 1 year. Evan is now 5! We have another child, a daughter, Caroline Ruth. She is sitting beside me with her sweet 2-year-old hand resting on my arm while I type. I love her so much. The boys are at school - a new school - Curtis is in 3rd grade and Evan is in kindergarten. They go to school from 8-3, and I miss them a lot. Life is so different than it used to be. Where did that time go? I haven't recorded Caroline's life like I recorded the lives of the boys. I don't have any blog posts about her. I don't even think I have any journal entries about her. Thankfully we have many pictures and videos.

We live in Greenville, North Carolina. We moved here in April when Mike got a new job. He's still with Fidelity Investments. It is a great job; we are very fortunate. We have a lovely new home. We're making friends and adjusting to our new life.

It's been hard to leave family and friends and our life in Utah. So much life happened in Utah. Being in a new place has been a whole new experience; one that I have never had before. I've never lived away from family, other than for a couple months in the summer when Mike and I were first married. It's been hard to leave family, hard to leave conservative Mormon Utah, hard to feel like a minority a lot of the time, hard not to want to blend in with the world here, hard to make new friends, and hard to find happiness and purpose in my life.

Being a stay at home mother has taken a toll on me. I love my children more than anything, but I never realized how loving them and devoting my life to them would cause me to lose myself. I had no idea how much of myself would be lost during motherhood. I've lost the identity I had for so long. I haven't taught a dance class in a few years. I can't remember the last time I took a dance class. I probably couldn't even make it through a class now if I wanted to. My body has changed, it's aged, it's no longer able to do what it once could. That fact has been so heartbreaking for me. I hardly know how to have adult conversation anymore. I miss the woman I once was. I wish I could be her again.

Motherhood is hard these days. It's lonely, unforgiving, demanding, exhausting, thankless, and relentless. I still love my babies as much as I ever have, but I wish I could have known that loving my babies and giving my life for them would result in losing myself and my identity.

How did I get here? Where did that 2014 woman go? I wish I could find her again.