Change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

 for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; 

we must die to one life before we can enter another. 

-Anatole France

After several days, many prayers, and many conversations with my husband, I decided to inform the BYU dance department that I will not be coming back to teach in the fall. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done; I had no idea how hard it would be. 

Brigham Young University has been my "home" for the last 7 years (5 as a student, 2 as an instructor). There's not really a way to describe how much I love that place, and the people I have met there. Most of my friends have long since moved away, but it has been such an incredible experience being able to work and associate with many of my favorite professors. I feel like I really "became" someone at BYU. I've been literally sick to my stomach for the past few days knowing that I will no longer be an active part of the BYU dance family. 

For the past few months, and years, even, Mike and I have discussed our "ideal" family life. It's no secret that, more than anything else, I want to be a stay at home mom. I know that there's nothing more important, rewarding, or worthwhile than being home with our child(ren).  However, until now it has been a financial impossibility for me to be 100% at home. 

For my record, these are the main reasons for this decision:

1) Mike's new job meets all of our financial needs. Obviously it would be nice to have more income, but it is not needed. That is the main reason that we decided that it is time for me to take a break from teaching.

2) We decided long ago that if day care was not an absolute necessity we would not put our children in it. Mikes schedule was originally going to work out perfectly with my teaching schedule. However, he is about to begin more training that will change his schedule from week to week. Making a little extra money is not worth the stress of finding someone to care for Curtis. I'm not against day care by any means, but if I can watch my children then why wouldn't I? I have family around, yes, but they all have their lives. And I don't believe that grandmothers should be automatic nannies. My mom already raised her kids, and now it's my turn to do the same.  Also, day care would mean that, in the end, I'd only be bringing home about $180/month. 

3) I don't love teaching, I love dancing. Obviously I loved my job at BYU. I love being involved in the dance world. I love helping students discover and learn things they didn't know before. And, if I wasn't going to make money dancing professionally (kind of impossible with a baby), then the next best thing is to find a great teaching job. My true passion is for dancing. I enjoy teaching, but I'm not an amazing teacher. I would rather be taking class than teaching class. I decided that if I'm going to be away from Curtis, I might as well be doing something I love. So, I'm going to sign up for a couple dance classes just to give me a creative/active outlet. 

So in lieu of all the doubts I'm having, about whether or not I made the right decision, the words from a wonderful Priesthood blessing are fresh in my mind. "The greatest joy and fondest memories will come from your family. The time spent with your children and your family is what you will remember and cherish." 

Now it's time for me to stop doubting, regretting, and wondering "what if." 

Here's to the next chapter of life! 

I have no doubt there are wonderful things in store!