It's 2018

I haven't looked at our blog in ages; probably years. Instagram has taken over the blogosphere...it's easier and simpler to just post a pic and a description and move on to the next event. However, as I've been browsing and reading posts from the past I'm reminded of why I loved blogging. I'm so grateful I recorded all of those thoughts, feelings and events all of those years. It's now 2018, and I don't remember the person I was in 2014. I don't remember being that woman. I don't remember writing all of those words. I don't remember having so many emotions and thoughts and feelings.

It's 2018 and I don't know who I am anymore. Do I still have thoughts like I used to? Do I still feel joy like I used to? Do I still feel like my life has a purpose? Am I passionate about anything anymore? Do I still love being a mother? (Also, how do I edit my blog? I don't remember how to change the photo on the main page....hmmmm.)

Life is so much different than it was in my last post about Evan turning 1 year. Evan is now 5! We have another child, a daughter, Caroline Ruth. She is sitting beside me with her sweet 2-year-old hand resting on my arm while I type. I love her so much. The boys are at school - a new school - Curtis is in 3rd grade and Evan is in kindergarten. They go to school from 8-3, and I miss them a lot. Life is so different than it used to be. Where did that time go? I haven't recorded Caroline's life like I recorded the lives of the boys. I don't have any blog posts about her. I don't even think I have any journal entries about her. Thankfully we have many pictures and videos.

We live in Greenville, North Carolina. We moved here in April when Mike got a new job. He's still with Fidelity Investments. It is a great job; we are very fortunate. We have a lovely new home. We're making friends and adjusting to our new life.

It's been hard to leave family and friends and our life in Utah. So much life happened in Utah. Being in a new place has been a whole new experience; one that I have never had before. I've never lived away from family, other than for a couple months in the summer when Mike and I were first married. It's been hard to leave family, hard to leave conservative Mormon Utah, hard to feel like a minority a lot of the time, hard not to want to blend in with the world here, hard to make new friends, and hard to find happiness and purpose in my life.

Being a stay at home mother has taken a toll on me. I love my children more than anything, but I never realized how loving them and devoting my life to them would cause me to lose myself. I had no idea how much of myself would be lost during motherhood. I've lost the identity I had for so long. I haven't taught a dance class in a few years. I can't remember the last time I took a dance class. I probably couldn't even make it through a class now if I wanted to. My body has changed, it's aged, it's no longer able to do what it once could. That fact has been so heartbreaking for me. I hardly know how to have adult conversation anymore. I miss the woman I once was. I wish I could be her again.

Motherhood is hard these days. It's lonely, unforgiving, demanding, exhausting, thankless, and relentless. I still love my babies as much as I ever have, but I wish I could have known that loving my babies and giving my life for them would result in losing myself and my identity.

How did I get here? Where did that 2014 woman go? I wish I could find her again.

Evan is One!

My tiny baby Evan is no longer a tiny baby. He is a walking, baby talking, full of personality, one-year-old. It seriously seems like yesterday that we were bringing our tiny 6 lbs baby boy home from the hospital. He has added so much joy to our family, and it's impossible to remember what life was like before he joined us. Evan is a fireball of personality. He is feisty, but also so sweet and gentle, and he definitely holds his own with Curtis (although most of the time Curtis is a super sweet brother). Evan is such a loving boy, and we are so blessed to have him with us. 

May 2013

More pictures below....

Picture Update

Life lately...

(Oldest to Newest)

It's Alive!

I've opened this blog countless times, prepared to write countless posts and upload numerous photos. 

But I just haven't done it. 

We are alive. And well. Life goes on whether I blog about it or not. 

I really need to blog. 

Motherhood is a very lonely job sometimes.

Evan turned 1 year old on May 9th. I can't believe I haven't written about it...or him. 

Curtis turns 4 next month.

Four. 

Life just continues to fly by. 

I am happy and life is good.

My blog is alive, and I will keep it that way. 

RLK

I have 918 Facebook friends...but I don't have friends

First off, this is not a woe is me post. I am happy and life is good. It truly is. And for the record, I do have friends. I have some of the best friends in the world (if only they'd all come back to Utah already)!

The other night Mike and I were chatting about the cyber-world we live in, and what it will be like for our kids to grow up in a technology-obsessed world. We chatted first about the dangers (literally) of cell phones and wifi and how they haven't been around long enough for us to really know the affects they are having on our brains and bodies and on our childrens' brains and bodies (but I suppose that is another post for another day). After chatting about how cell phones are probably going to give everyone cancer we moved on to discuss how smart-phones are actually making people socially stupid. 

And now I'm going to be completely, brutally, revealingly honest...this is my life...

I wake up in the morning and the very first thing I do before anything else is check my phone. I check my email first, then Instagram, then Facebook. Usually in the middle of those three apps I see a posts by @bom365 on my insta-feed that reminds me to read my scriptures. Yay! Social media just reminded me to "read" my scriptures for 5 minutes before resuming my mindless Facebook scroll. I don't give myself time to think my own thoughts, or meditate on the day before me. I don't remember to pray, and I usually get irritated that my kids are awake already. I don't get out of bed to kiss my husband goodbye, and I don't make him breakfast or see him off at the door. 

But I connected with the world. I checked in with my friends. Oh and I'm be sure to post a picture of my life so everyone can see the exciting life I'm living.

After spending 10-15 minutes on my phone, all while my boys are playing on the floor next to me, I begrudgingly roll out of bed and start the day. I make the bed, help Curtis make his, change Evan's diaper, and we make our way downstairs for breakfast. I make Curtis oatmeal and smash a banana for Evan. I' pull out my phone and turn on LDS primary songs on YouTube. We listen and sing while having breakfast and we have a great time together. I do a load of laundry during breakfast time and make sure the kitchen is clean after the kids eat. After breakfast I turn on PBS kids for Curtis while Evan and I head upstairs to get ready for the day. 

Generally we don't have a set schedule. Our days involve me doing house work, updating the budget, organizing different rooms, etc. Evan naps around 10am and Mike gets home after 7pm. Around 12pm Mike and I will usually exchange a text or two, and I'll usually text or receive one from my mom some time during the day. We run errands, go to the bank, grocery shop, occasionally visit the library, visit my mom, and I teach dance on Tuesday and Thursday to a small class of 8-11 year olds. We watch more tv than we should I and don't venture outdoors very much these days. 

99.9% of our week is spent at home, inside, away from others. I often go 2-3 days without leaving the house, and I definitely go much longer than that without having anyone outside of our family in our home. All the while I have my phone in my pocket and I check Instagram and Facebook several times a day. I certainly wouldn't want to miss a call or a text from all the people that try to get in touch with me every day. Oh wait. Scratch that. 

I have 918 Facebook friends, but I don't have friends. And that is the truth.

Mike and I continued our chat about the "good old days" in high school when there wasn't Facebook, or Instagram, or smart phones. Heck, I didn't even have a cell phone until college. Mike and I called each other on the real phone to talk. We actually hung out with real people, did things together, and talked. Yes, talked! What was that like?!

I am tired of this life; tired of the false sense of social connection. How is it that I have 918 Facebook friends and yet I can go an entire week without one of those friends ever calling me, checking in on me, or wanting to spend time with me? How can I go an entire week without reaching out to my own friends in real interactive and tangible ways? Social media and smart phones make us feel connected, needed, and wanted. They make us feel like we have people who are interested in our lives. We share our lives with the world but still feel alone. We are losing the ability to really socialize. We "socialize" without ever leaving our homes, without making eye contact, and truthfully without really communicating at all.

Smart phones are making us socially stupid. And I've had enough. I don't want my kids growing up in this socially stupid, technology obsessed world. I don't want them seeing me on my phone all day. I don't want them to ever think that my phone life is a priority. I don't want them seeing their family and friends glued to a screen all the time. I don't want them to forego real relationships because social media gives them a false sense of interaction.

So, here's to a year filled with more real relationships, real conversation, and real living.

And my #1 goal for 2014 is to put down my phone and live. 

Evan the Baby

My little Evan the Baby is growing up so fast. He is 9 months as of Sunday, and I swear he changes every day. It has been so fun to have another little boy in our family. Evan's personality is really starting to show, and I like to call him my little drama baby. He is so happy and mellow and mild-tempered...most of the time. Just watch out when he's angry because this boy can throw a fit. He has the loudest scream ever. It is cute right now but I have a feeling this baby is going to give me a run for my money over the next few years. :)

Even though he knows how to throw a fit, Evan really is a very happy baby. He is always smiling and laughing, playing and interacting. Evan is very observant of people. He really looks and sees things. He is also so much snugglier than Curtis was as a a baby, and I am soaking in every cuddly minute. 

Evan is fully crawling these days (has been for about three weeks), and he is pulling to standing. He hasn't quite figured out how to stand on his own and balance yet, but I'm certainly in no rush for him to walk. I'll happily keep my baby for as long as possible. Evan loves to feed himself, which makes mealtimes a bit difficult. He is also a much pickier eater than Curtis was. He loves veggies much more than fruit, which is also different than I expected. I am still nursing Evan and hope to continue at least 3 more months. It has been much easier to keep it up than it was with Curtis because I am home basically full-time. I worked a lot more when Curtis was a baby. 

Evan hasn't been a very good sleeper, well at least compared to super-sleeper-baby Curtis. Evan is finally sleeping through the night (about 7:30pm-6am). He'll usually go back to sleep until 8am, then he naps again at 10am. I'm finally feeling like a normal person again. Ha! 

Evan loves his brother. He always gets the biggest smile on his face when Curtis comes in the room, and no one can make him laugh like Curtis can. I love seeing them together! 

I find it really difficult to put my feelings about my kids into words. This morning as I held Evan before his nap, he fell asleep in my arms, and I was completely overwhelmed with love for him. There truly are not words to describe what a mother's love is like. I live for my babies. They have completely changed my life. There's just nothing like it in the world. Nothing in my life has been as rewarding as having and holding and loving and raising my babies. Life is good. 

Mr. Curtis

Curtis is 3 1/2 but most of the time I feel like he's much older than that. This boy is so funny, sensitive, imaginative, inquisitive, active, sweet, and he is the best big brother. He is such a great boy, and every day I feel blessed to have him.

Some of Curtis' favorite...

Things to do: 
-Role play (super heros, knights, etc)
-Jump on his trampoline
-Play with Evan
-Eat
-Watch movies
-Play with friends
-Go to the park

Things to eat:
-Oatmeal with blueberries
-Yogurt and granola
-Eggs and toast
-Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
-Popcorn
-Broccoli
-Cucumbers
-Carrots
-Grapes
-String cheese
-Soup
-Bananas
-Smoothies

Toys:
-Dress ups
-"Little things" (anything small he can keep in his pocket)
-Mr. Potato Head
-Animals
-Cars
-Action figures

Curtis is very coordinated and loves music. He loves to dance and move. He is a pro on the trampoline and is always wanting to show us his tricks. He loves watching movies with popcorn (sometimes it's a battle to keep him not asking for a show; especially in the winter). He is so sweet to Evan, and it is seriously the best thing ever to see him interact and play with his baby brother. I have felt such great joy lately watching these two together. Curtis is such a great helper with Evan. He helps keep him entertained and makes him laugh a lot. I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude for Curtis. He is an incredible boy and I really look forward to seeing him continue to grow and learn! 

And I saved the best for last. Here are some of Curtis' recent quotes...

-"Daddy, when I have a mustache, I'll have one like you."

-"I like you, Mommy. You're pretty."

-"Daddy, I'm not your buddy, you're my kiddo."

-Mike: "Curtis, you should turn off your show and use your imagination." Curtis: "Oh! That's a good idea!" 

-While at his aunt and uncles house, "Wow, nice tub! I have one like this at home!

-"Daddy, I have big boy little poo poos."

-"Dad I want to tell you a secret....let's go to the park..........later."

-Curtis loves to tell "once upon a time" stories. During one story he told about a bear who fought a bad guy, "with his own sharp fingers...and he died!"